The European Union has reported the rapid spread of a new airborne virus named COVID-20. As thousands scorch in the flames of the new pandemic’s fury, scientists desperately struggle to find a vaccine. The Skyline Post’s own Inna Viewer has spoken to American entrepreneur and billionaire Richard Whiteman. Here’s what we found:
“The whole world is struggling to cope with this new potential pandemic. How badly do you think this could affect our lives?”
“This pandemic will change the course of humanity as we know it. I don’t think we will ever be able to recover. We may see a crisis exceeding the events of the 2008 crash.”
“The CDC has already projected that millions will likely die from refusal to comply with their recommendations. How can Americans protect themselves from what’s about to come?”
“That’s easy. To everyone reading this, remember to take out all of your investments. Ensure that you-”
“I’m sorry. What I meant to ask was how Americans can protect themselves from the disease. The CDC has recommended that everyone wears masks and washes their hands frequently.”
“Do you want to know the real way for us to protect ourselves from the disease? We need to protect our small businesses. Large ones, too… remember to keep buying from Richard Whiteman Industries and support big businesses!”
“Speaking of your company, it has been criticized online for continuing production despite potential danger. How would you defend this?”
“I’m just trying to keep our priorities straight. During these troubling times, the world needs my products. I will sacrifice as many lives… I mean… I will work as hard as I can to provide my merchandise.”
“Many are also begging governments around the world to take action immediately. In the United States, millions are participating in social-distancing rallies trying to make quarantine a legal requirement. Do you have any encouraging words for these courageous protestors?”
“No, I do not. It seems people are forgetting that every single person is and will be affected by all of this. A national shutdown would put me in financial jeopardy. For example, I may need to sell a few of my private islands if the pandemic continues. We must protect our economy!”
Thank you to Richard Whiteman for agreeing to speak to us. This has been the Skyline Post interview.
This is not a real interview. This is a satire meant to exaggerate large corporations.
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